An Ode to Henry Cavill

Women Love Pretty Boys, Silly!

I wasn’t planning on writing an article, I am working on my book and mostly lurk in the comment sections of other people’s substacks.

But along came a topic that I simply had to talk about and I was taking up too much space in the aforementioned comment sections of other people’s substacks. So I decided to explain the apparently mystical voting patterns of women (including my own) on the man-who-was-pretty-until-he-got-a-six-pack.

The man in question, is a quite cute singer called Olly Murs. Yes, I saw a couple of his videos - CUTE, and he or at least his body transformation has made me finally crack open the laptop and put myself out there in defence of the normie girlies.

We who grew up loving boybands, Leonardo Di Caprio, River Pheonix and Heath Ledger. We who watched Shahrukh Khan romance beautiful women in exotic locales.

We who have now completely switched to Korean Dramas, except for occasionally thirsting on Henry Cavill, Glen Powell and Chris Hemsworth (Yes, there are others we thirst on but I chose the most man-approved of the lot so no one can accuse us of wanting them just for their fun “personalities”).

Remember when these three men acted in action movies with big big muscles and women didn’t hate them at all? Remember when Buzzfeed had an article titled “Does Henry Cavill have the nicest hairy chest in Hollywood” and it was made up of just gifs and pictures of him? Clearly women are attracted to (and may or may not have masturbated to) Henry Cavill, a big beefy gym bro. Yet they don’t like most/many other gym bros. Whatever could be the reason 🤔

(Picture for reference purposes only, please don’t masturbate)

We have established that women do like certain beefy men. Now let’s get to the why. And is it really such a complete mystery?

I resent being asked to be the bigger person and date men I am not attracted to, and I mean physically attracted. That is what incels do and because they are men, they don’t speak for me and I don't care what they think.

But now women who I admire (looking at you:

Cartoons Hate Her

) are also telling me things like maybe I don’t like men getting muscular because I dont want to be the one who “scored”? Are you kidding me? I would score Woo Do Hwan or Jung Kook in less than 4 seconds if I could and so would any other woman.

To quote my patron saint Cher - As If!

I am completely sure of where I stand in the looks department and I am happy to date up if it means I get to see a beautiful man on the daily. (Call me, Jung Kook!)

(Woo Do Hwan, my goodness those abs are literally glistening)

(Yes, thats a water bottle with the fan favorite picture of a shirtless Jung Kook wearing a slutty bodychain over his beautiful, sculpted abs. Currently available on red bubble.)

Everybody talks about “looksmaxxing” (what a ghastly term btw) but in this case I have seen men more openly talk about facial symmetry and the golden ratio as well as the body when it comes to attraction. Meanwhile women talk about the topic without ever mentioning face, just body. Which I find strangely interesting, even from my favourite commentators.

Yes, we all can go to the gym and get great bodies but so much of beauty is about the Face. And that is because so much of human interaction is with people’s faces, we look into each other's eyes, we smile at each other, heck, all five of our senses are present together only on the face. The rest of the body has to make do with just one (touch).

Maybe people don’t talk about it because it is seen as a social faux pas? I know lot of women think it’s embarrassing or shallow to focus on your face. But if you are using the term looksmaxxing, you are pretty far gone, and we might as well dispense with the niceties and talk about it anyway.

Am I against making your body as beautiful and as fit as possible? No.

But there is a golden mean here. At some point (if you are not genetically gifted like Alain Delon) you have to pick between preserving your face and getting a better body. And if the opinion of women on that twitter poll is any indication for our preferences and if men’s vocal dislike for buccal fat removal is any indication of theirs - I would suggest - go with the face. Don’t touch the face.

(Obligatory Alain Delon picture. I chose this one specifically because he is wearing the exact same, umm, outfit as Olly Murs in the after picture.)

The problem seems to arise from the fact that people mostly think in terms of enhancing rather than preserving. Everybody wants to self-improve and its “easy” to improve your body - you just go to the gym, drink ghastly juices and eat boiled chicken for the rest of your meals on this planet. We know that the face needs invasive procedures to be “improved”(at least some people seem to think so) and it's expensive and uncomfortable (who wants to live with the aftermath of a jaw implant? Certainly not me! And that is where I deviate from the incels).

Yet there is a solution.

Despite being a non gym-goer ( I walk for exercise and hate the gym ok, so sue me!) I know that there is a maintenance phase which lot of people (not just body-builders) go into at some point. What if we see the face similarly? What if you don’t try to surgically enhance it? What if a lazy person like me doesn’t even wear make up daily and just wears sunscreen in the day and snail mucin at night? What if you just preserve it? What if you just maintain it?

Go into maintenance - but for your Face?

(Photo of universal thirst trap Idris Elba. You know he has a six pack under that sweater. It makes me delirious just to think of it.)

(Photo of Hrithik Roshan. He’s in his daddy-era and as hot as he ever was when I was a teenager.)

I am of the firm belief that everyone can be beautiful. I am not asking that all men look like Idris Elba or Hrithik Roshan. And please don’t take this as an endorsement of plastic surgery (it would be a ghastly misreading of my post if you did!).

I am not even asking you to look like Jack Black - the guy everyone is so surprised women are attracted to. Yes he’s chubby but he’s also Hollywood movie star handsome. He got Kate Winslet in the Holiday. He’s no Shrek.

(Picture of a very young Jack Black- I am attracted to the old fat guy cause I know these features exist under all that. Maybe its an evolutionary thing but I like beautiful men cause I want pretty babies :) )

The fact remains that the Face is the most primary item of human anatomy and it will always be so. I won’t see your abs until you take your shirt off but I will see your face no matter what.

Given that fact, it would be absurd if women aren’t horrified and not attracted to say a man who purposely rid his face of the skull bones or skin, yet society somehow demands that we excuse the loss of facial fat as an inevitable side effect of getting a six pack or a flat stomach.

Maybe we know our priorities better.

Maybe I don't think a banger body is worth giving up your face for. Maybe most women think the same. Ever thought of that?

What happened on that poll was not women being unappreciative of a fit man, it was women mourning the loss of his beauty - and he was beautiful (and we all know who the primary demographic for cute, talented male musicians are). I just hope for his sake that this is just a phase and he goes back to being lean(and not ripped) and beautiful as he was before.

But for the sake of the internet - let me make it clear - women were not lying, he was not an unfit Shrek in the before picture, the problem was not his hairline (its the same in both), it was not the short shorts (see Alain in the picture above again, look at it as many times as you want for the point to enter your skull) its not the lighting(women are not silly children to be taken in by better photography or lighting).

It’s simply that the fat has drained from his Face in the after picture. The healthy vitality in the before picture comes from his face.

Yes, women may tell stories(he looks like he could chop wood, he looks like he would eat ice-cream with me) of what his vitality means to us in terms of his personality or social behaviour, but that is secondary. Just like men do with women, we primarily are reacting to the literal physics of his face.

If you are so skinny that your face looks worn and sickly, don't expect large swathes of people to applaud you for making the effort. It’s more common that they would be grossed out. You may at best get appreciation from a gym-goer who understands the effort and endurance and hard work it took you to get there. But don’t generalize gym goers to normies. And this goes for men and women.

The face is your calling card. The face is what expresses your humanity. The face is your life itself. The face is what remains recognisable from childhood to adulthood. It's what our parents see in us, what our friends remember years later, what our siblings miss and yes, it is what lovers enjoy the most. (Why do you think humans are the only mammals to enjoy missionary sex?)

I contend that facial mutilation through chasing a six-pack, going under the knife, or even just garden-variety purging is a loss to the human soul. You lose recognition. Why do passport photos have your face? It’s not just necessity, it’s simply the only body part that captures YOU. That is why I am not really against dating apps per se. I think people, especially men who are not used to being perceived and who lean towards presenting “stoic”, simply don't know how to use them. Put up pictures that capture your soul. Pose for pictures. Explain yourself to the watcher through your pictures. No one puts your abs in a frame at your funeral.

I keep going back to the comment that made me write this article at 3 am. It went something like - women like arms, shoulders, legs and butts more than they like abs.

Are you serious? I am not looking at your body at all. At least, not as much as I am looking at your face. Make your (existing and I am sure quite nice) face look pleasant. PLEASE.

Ending with another Alain Delon picture for fun, just ‘cause.